#teamhans: a disney conspiracy theory

Shout out to Big J, my firstborn, my baby who is no longer a baby. His birthday is this Wednesday… I’ll be taking him to get his learner’s permit, the thing that will allow him to legally drive on the open road! I’m waffling between excitement and sheer terror…

But! Y’all don’t care about that :p I just wanted to explain that this post is in his honor, as it is a topic he’s asked me to write about a few times now. Both of my boys love to look up Disney inside jokes, conspiracy theories, Easter eggs, and other random trivia that might or might not be legit.

Theories like… Hans from Frozen was not a bad guy… until he was cursed by the trolls.

Wait. What?!

Yes, the premise behind #teamhans (a theory Big J and I absolutely subscribe to) is that he legitimately loved Anna and was legitimately a decent guy… until the trolls hexed him during the song “Fixer Upper”! Not even kidding – the trolls are the bad guys here, and Hans is merely one more innocent victim.

Up until the fateful moment when Hans pulls back and rejects Anna, every single moment he is on screen shows him to be a genuine, kind, loving man. There are no hidden smirks, no double meanings in his words, no indication whatsoever that he’s just a jerk out for a crown.

Every Disney villain gives off villain vibes, whether its in-your-face like Scar from Lion King or subtle like Mother Gothel in Tangled (well, I mean yeah she’s overt at the start when she kidnaps Rapunzel… I obviously mean subtle like when she’s interacting with Rapunzel)… every Disney villain except for Hans.

Look at this. Is this the smirk of a villain knowing he has his victim where he wants her? Or is this the besotted, charmed smile of a man who has just met his OTP?

hans in the water

Disney songs are basically dogma. Disney songs put down the truth of that universe. A Disney song is fact. You can’t lie in a Disney song. And yet… if we are to believe that Hans is genuinely a bad guy, he had to have lied in “Love Is An Open Door” because he’s so open and sweet with Anna.

hans and anna
I mean come on, I can’t even get my actually-married-to-me, loves-me-more-than-anyone, soul mate / husband to do heart hands with me…

And don’t even get me started on how Hans goes above and beyond to take care of Arendelle while defending the sisters – when he could easily and justifiably get rid of Elsa, either by killing her himself or simply by standing aside and letting the Duke of Weaseltown’s men kill her. Would a man intent on getting rid of the sisters to take over do that?! When he could get rid of the queen with no risk to his purported takeover plans?

Seriously. Right before Anna shows back up, Hans is arguing that he needs to go back out to find her – because he loves her – even though the advisers are point blank saying that he, Hans, is in charge and will remain in charge indefinitely should anything happen to Anna. He really didn’t need to do anything! But he was, because of True Love.

Lets face it… Disney villains simply always give themselves away in tons of little ways. Always. And Hans does not. Hans is the perfect gentleman. He’s kind, and elegant, and he & Anna have so much in common!

On the flip side, the trolls are known to meddle in the affairs, minds, and hearts of man.

evil scary troll drawing
Scary troll is scary.

That one chick troll basically kidnaps Kristoff when he’s a child (“I’m gonna keep you”)! They wipe Anna’s memory when she’s a little girl, but honestly they had to have messed with Kristoff’s mind too – that, or he’s really thick (evidence: “I know they can heal you because I’ve seen them heal someone before and in no way do I even suspect that that someone was you even though you look just the same and y’know, your sister is the only freakin’ person around with ice powers…”). So if they can do all that, why couldn’t they put some sort of creepy rock magic on Hans to make him say the opposite of what he means?

I mean seriously… these lyrics… these lyrics! If they’re not proof I don’t know what is!

“So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper
That’s a minor thing
Her quote ‘engagement’
Is a flex arrangement
And by the way I don’t see no ring!
So she’s a bit of a fixer-upper
Her brain’s a bit betwixt
Get the fiance out of the way and
The whole thing will be fixed”

I’ve watched the scene where Anna comes back and asks for True Love’s Kiss and Hans denies her at least two dozen times in the last few days (you know, “research”), and I swear his face actually changes when he pauses right before kissing rejecting Anna. His voice changes too. He acts like a completely different person… because his free will has been overwritten and he basically is a completely different person!

At the end of the day we’ll never really know, but yeah… we know. We know Hans was the best Disney Prince ever until a bunch of evil trolls destroyed his life. Poor Hans!

Question of the Day: Are you #teamhans or #teamkristoff?

All images are ©Walt Disney Studios.

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